My bout with cancer, an opportunity to offer my life

Sometime before going into surgery, I watched a documentary of a mother and wife called, Amparo Portilla.  She was a victim soul who was so united to the Cross. The narrator said that she offered her life for the salvation of her children's souls. The Lord accepted her offering. Shortly after she was diagnosed with Cancer.

Something happened in my soul when I heard those words. I realized that although I have been living as a victim soul, I have never really offered my life for my children or anyone at all.  I thought Amparo was so courageous and I certainly was not that brave. I spent several days thinking about how I just could not offer my life in that manner. Although I was so very attracted to the thought of offering my life, I did not have the courage to do it.  Something happened during those days, however.  I suddenly found myself offering my life for the salvation of my childrens' souls and that of my husband.  In addition, I offered my life for the priesthood, my entire extended family and every single person I have ever come in contact with during my entire lifetime.  I found this desire of offering my life growing and growing each day.  Without any fear and with full trust that the Lord will take care of my children and husband, I repeated and continue to repeat the same offering every day. 

Finally, the day of the Biopsy came. I offered it up for the intentions above and the retreat for priests in January.  It took about one week before I received the results of the biopsy.  During this time, I told the Lord that I would receive whatever He allows with joy, especially if it means the purification and salvation of every single person I have ever come across with in my lifetime, and most especially for those closest to me. I actually found myself desiring to suffer.  I desired to be a true victim soul.  I desired to truly give my life for the salvation of others. 

Well, my doctor said that I have cervical cancer so I have to have a hysterectomy. Part of me rejoiced at the chance of being able to suffer. I rejoiced because I felt the Lord took me up on my offer and this would save souls...not only the souls of my children and husband, but the souls of many. I have continued to offer my life to the Lord since the confirmation of the cancer, to do with my life as He pleases.  I've told Him I am ready for whatever He allows if it means the purification and salvation of souls.  I am trying to remain indifferent (as St. Ignatius suggests) so that His Will is accomplished fully and my desires do not get in the way.  I am not afraid at all.  I am actually so very joyful. I feel as if I have been given a gift.  The gift of the "treasured pearl of suffering" and I am so very joyful!  This joy is inexplicable.

 I read the following passage from St. Faustina's Diary, which spoke very much to my heart:

"My Will has not yet been fully accomplished in you; you will still remain in earth, but not for long.  I am well pleased with your trust, but your love should be more ardent.  Pure love gives the soul strength at the very moment of dying.  When I was dying on the cross, I was not thinking about myself, but about poor sinners and I prayed for them to My Father.  I want your last moments to be completely similar to Mine on the cross. There is only one price at which souls are bought and that is suffering united to My suffering on the cross.  Pure love understands these words; carnal love will never understand them."

Immediately after this passage, our Lady tells St. Faustina in number 325 the following:

"My daugther, what I demand from you is prayer, prayer, and once again prayer, for the world and especially for your country.  For nine days receive Holy Communion in atonement and unite yourself closely to the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass.  During these nine days you will stand before God as an offering; always and everywhere, at all times and places, day or night, whenever you wake up, pray in the spirit. Iin spirit one can always remain in prayer."

I feel as if both Jesus and our Mother Mary are guiding me in how to spend the rest of my days in complete offering, at every moment for the rest of my life in true and complete offering of my life in reparation for sins of the people and for the purification and salvation of countless souls.

 I am grateful to the Lord.  I am grateful to Mother Mary. May God continue to bless you and Mother Mary continue to hold you.

I love you.

Together in and with Love Crucified.

Love Crucified